Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"...and now, for something completely different!"

From Willie Block’s “25 Things I Hate About the Red River”
1. It floods.

2. It does not obey the 100-year flood rule. Like at all.

3. It’s not all that Red.

4. It has to be different and flow North. Even when you’re not conforming you’re conforming, you ass.

5. It connects us to Grand Forks . . . city rivalry BURN.

6. It does not have a single cool marine animal in it. No giant squids, no whales, no sharks, nothing but stupid cat fish.

7. It is a deceptive jerk who pretends to be pretty and scenic to lure home owners to building near by and then boom, flood. Like a Venus fly trap but not cool.

8. Making me sandbag never gets anyone or anything any points.

9. A little known fact. The more curves a river has the older it is. Obviously this one is a young little shit. Explains the screaming temper tantrums for attention. Punk.

10. Has probably killed, like, 12 dudes, 6 chicks, and probably a couple of kids. Not cool dude, not cool.

11. Is a breeding ground for the-biggest-f***-up-God-ever-made-bug, better known as the mosquito. That’s like providing refuge for a terrorist.

12. The Red River is most likely working with Al Qaeda.

13. Has absolutely no sense of timing. Never takes into consideration the plans of other people outside of its self. Sort of like a rock star except the Red River is not a rock star. It’s more like a large dumb body of water. And it isn’t even that large. Just long and stupid.

14. You cannot drink it (actually, it would probably taste better than the shite that’s coming out of the faucet these days).

15. Provides a habitat for cute animals.

16. Besides the winter storms, it’s the only way we ever get on the national news. What about our fantastic urban sprawl?

17. Is a direct cause of global warming. Actually, that’s a lie, but I’m gonna run with it.

18. Is not as rad as the Mississippi.

19. Cannot be used to determine how long to wait before you open your eyes and go hunting for the hidden. “One Red River, two Red River, three Red River” See? Just doesn’t work.

20. You can’t take it shopping or to the movies. It would probably text throughout a movie anyways. Like I said, “This River is RUDE.”

21. Cannot be seen from space. [Note from Trish - WRONG!]

22. Probably talks about you behind your back. “Will thinks he’s all that and the bees knees, but this one time I saw him walking home and he walked right into a tree branch. Dumb ass.” Well, at least I don’t have a bladder problem, River.

23. It will drown you and feel no remorse. None whatsoever. Probably brags about it to the other rivers at the annual “Rivers That Kill Humans” conference.

24. Unlike the Nile—which produced a bad ass culture of Pharaohs, books of the dead and large pyramid houses—it created a bunch of stubborn dudes and babes that don’t know when the getting out is good. “By my cold dead hands.” The river laughs at this and goes “Yes, well, is there any other way?”

25. It is an inanimate object that you CANNOT PUNCH IN THE FACE.
Not my normal posting, but it's VERY funny (to me at least!) so I'm sharing with all of you...